"Waiting for Sam"
Episode #78 of The Brady Bunch
by Samuel Beckett


Alice sits on the edge of the kitchen counter back stage center trying to crack an egg into the bowl resting in her lap. After three tries she finally succeeds. Mr. Brady Enters stage left. Alice hops of the counter and stands, arms at sides, behind the center island in the kitchen.

Alice: Good morning Mr. Brady!

Mr. Brady: I find in every day that going forward only takes me backwards.I design seven buildings in an hour and tomorrow they are all gone. I do all the work. Greg just sings and drives.

Alice: Eggs and juice it is, Mr. Brady.

Mr. Brady: (worried) Alice, I can't see you!

Alice: (angrily)
Mr. Brady (waving her spatula wildly) I am right here.

Mr. Brady: (pleading) Embrace me!

Alice: Now, now, Mr. Brady. You know I can't do that.

Mr. Brady: (hurt) May one ask how Her Majesty ate her breakfast?

Alice: In small bites.

Enter Marsha with Tiger. She sits on top of the kitchen table and starts brushing her hair. Tiger curls into the fetal position and waits by her feet.

Marsha: It's too late. Nothing to do, nothing to do. (sighs).

Mr. Brady: You haven't called him, have you?


Mr. Brady: (looking towards Alice, trying to recall the name) Er...

Alice: Sam.

Mr. Brady: Yes.

Marsha: I have called only Harvey.

Alice: No. Not once.

Mr. Brady: You haven't called Sam?

Marsh: No. Who's Sam?

Mr. Brady: Sam?

Marsha: You thought I had called Sam.

Alice: Oh no, Miss, I never said such a thing.

Marsha: Who is he?

Alice: Oh (turning away and blushing) just an acquaintance.

Tiger: (From the ground) I saw Joe Namath speaking with Davy Jones just-

Marsha: Stop!

(Tiger stops) Stand!

(Tiger stands) Brush my hair

(Tiger brushes her hair) Stop!

(Tiger stops) Concentrate!

Tiger heads towards island in the kitchen. Staggering a little almost. He falls. Alice, Mr. Brady and Marsha pile on top of him as he eeks out his words.

Tiger: In view of the work done by Perdue and Sanders on the behalf of the world of poultry products, I find the need now is for a sharper phaphapha knife where the hairs of a Labrador can be split such as fine T-bone steak, but for reasons unknown every postman, milkman, klipman, trupman and chef have seen their chance and let it slip by waiting for a future of promise built on an empty past of only unending hope without action, minus movement sitting in the collelelelege of everyday task work as a result as stated by Charles Harnard the labors of the chopping block the chopping block the chopping block stay unused in closed down warehouses on small towns once inhabited by which produced pork chops and applesauce...with...

Marsha: His yo-yo!

(Alice seizes the yo-yo and Tiger stops.)

Marsha: I must leave.

Alice: Au revoir.

Mr. Brady: Au revoir.

Marsha: Au revoir.

(No one moves. Silence)

Alice: Au revoir.

Mr. Brady: Au revoir.

Marsha: Au revoir.

No one moves. Marsha grabs her lunch bag from the table.

Marsha: Thank you. Now I must go. Tiger.

Tiger rises from his crumpled heap on the floor, brushes the dust off his pants.

We're off. We're off.

They begin to proceed out.

Stop! Brush!

Tiger scuttles back to the table and grabs the brush. The two march out , one behind the other. A long silence.

Mr. Brady: Now we continue to wait. He will never come. Never come.

Alice: Who?

Mr. Brady: Sam.

Alice: Now Mr. Brady you have got to go to work. There is no sense waiting for that old coot.

Mr. Brady: Everyday to work to work. I live in a split-level house with six kids. Everyday a new tragedy that must be solved in half an hour. I can't I can't. A broken lamp. A high phone bill. A missing Kitty Carryall doll. Bang. Bang. I trudge. At the end of it all sits a man named Johnny Bravo strum strumming his guitar.

Alice: Maybe what you need is a vacation, Mr. Brady.

Mr. Brady: A vacation? To Hawaii! Yes I think that's it!

Mr. Brady runs out of the room and within10 seconds he returns out of breath.

Mr. Brady: I have lost my beans and wieners and I can't find my way to the den.

Alice: Well shall we call him?

Mr. Brady: Finish the eggs.

Alice: They are all done Mr. Brady.

Mr. Brady: Then shall we call?

Alice: Yes. Let's call.

They do not move.